A Mind of My Own

(Trigger warning: this post discusses mental health issues, including suicidal ideation.) 

Throughout my life I have had episodes of severe depression, anxiety and panic attacks. I strongly suspect that I am neurodivergent as I struggle on a daily basic with noise, busy and crowded environments and using public transport. I regularly feel like I am the odd one out in social and work situations and struggle with relationships. I am lucky to have a very supportive GP who helped me when I was at my lowest and who gave me access to counselling sessions and the appropriate medication. But I have also accepted that to stay well I needed to make several long term changes in my daily life and constantly work at maintaining my mental health. Below are some of the activities that have helped me. 

MY MENTAL HEALTH ROUTINE 

Guided Meditation and Mindfulness

This is something that I started doing during the Covid lockdowns. I discovered YouTube guided meditations sessions and channels such as the Daily Calm and Boho Beautiful. Depending on how I felt I picked a meditation focusing on stress and anxiety management, developing self-confidence, coping with trauma, breathing exercises or muscle relaxation. This is now part of my daily routine: I listen to a 10 minute guided meditation every morning and during periods when I have trouble sleeping I add a guided sleep meditation before going to bed. This has really helped me becoming calmer and happier. It also helps me get ready to start the work day. As a creative person I found that new ideas popped into my head when I am meditating which is an unexpected bonus! Alongside guided meditation, doing mindfulness exercises helped me become better at relaxing, managing my anxiety and being able to live more in the moment rather than constantly worry about my to-do list and catastrophizing about what the future might bring.

A daily journal 

I read a fascinating and well-known self-help book called ‘The Artist Way’ by Julia Cameron. While doing the various exercises in the book I was really struck by the advice to write ‘Morning Pages’ everyday: three pages of longhand, stream of consciousness about whatever you feel like writing about. For me the exercise developed into writing a diary where I reflect on the day before, what I am looking forward to doing that day, what I am concerned about and some positive affirmations to remind myself every morning of what I have to be grateful for. I don’t always write three full pages, but I write in my diary every morning without fail. 

Exercise 

One of the changes I made to my life was the realisation that to have good mental health I needed to be regularly physically active. I found that the activities that work best for me are Pilates, yoga, swimming (I am lucky to live by the sea) and walking. I am also about to take up running. Even when I was struggling with money I kept up my weekly Pilates class because it really helped my mental health and promoted better sleep when I was struggling with nightmares and flashbacks. It also gave me a reason to get dressed, get out of the house and join a small, friendly group. I gained more confidence in myself as the classes went on. It even opened up as well a possible career opportunity because I am considering retraining to become a qualified Pilates tutor. 

Better diet 

I became a vegetarian about 8 years ago due to animal welfare concerns and because I was trying to lose some weight after I needed major surgery that came with a long recovery period due to a long term health condition. I could not be active for months and I put on weight and felt incredibly sluggish. Since improving my diet, I have found that my physical health is better. I started to grow my own vegetables, fruits and cooking herbs and this also gave me a sense of purpose and a reason to be out in the fresh air which had the knock effect of boosting my mental health. 

Learning to be grateful 

This was a tough one for me. When I was at my lowest, lost in a deep depression that led to suicidal ideations I thought I had very little to be grateful for. In fact I felt that the universe was picking on me and that I was literally ‘cursed’ to have messed up my life so completely. My breakdown meant weeks where I could not concentrate more than a few minutes and was plagued by flashbacks, intrusive thoughts and interrupted sleep. I could not read anything, struggled to write more than a couple of sentences and could not even relax by watching a film as my attention spam was limited. I was barely eating: it took me 4 hours to eat a piece of toast and drink tea in the morning and I had no appetite. Once my anti-depressants started to work, I slowly recovered the ability to concentrate and read. When I started reading books about mindfulness, meditation and mental wellbeing and listening to guided meditation sessions and they went on about the concept of gratefulness my first reaction was ‘Seriously? what the hell do you think I have to be grateful about?’. At some point though my attitude changed. I was lucky that my GP took immediate action to put me on medication and to refer me to the local mental health crisis team. They saved my life. That’s one big thing to be grateful for! I was alive. I was resilient. I was not ready to give up. Slowly I had more reasons to be grateful: I could at least afford to do the initial repairs in my house, I was starting to enjoy my garden, I lived in a safe and friendly seaside town, I still had a couple of good friends, I could put one foot in front of the other every day. Now every morningI remember that I have a lot to be grateful for, no matter what new obstacles I might be facing. 

Accepting my limitations  

I spent many years trying to force myself to try to be someone I am not, in the process creating untold and long lasting
damage to my body, mind and crushing my spirit. We live in a society where we are expected to work hard, multitask, be successful, maintain a social life, look good/thin/young/fashionable, have a partner, have a house, have kids, travel, commute, be constantly stimulated by sounds, images, social media, advertising and buy things, always more things, to show how successful we are. People with mental health issues often face stigma and discrimination (something I often faced in the workplace) because they  struggle to fit into that narrative. When I had a breakdown it was as if my body and my mind pulled the alarm and made it clear that I had to change and could no longer continue to soldier on. During that period asking for help and depending on others to stay alive was humbling. And so I had to accept my limitations and aim to avoid burn out and overwhelm from then on. I got out of the big city where I lived. I learned to live a simpler lifestyle. I accepted that socialising and relationships were a struggle for me and that I should not feel ‘weird’ if I chose to spend a lot of time in my own company in a calm environment. I no longer exhaust myself trying to ‘mask’ my neurodivergent traits. I no longer compare myself to others and feel like I should be more like them. I just focus on being who I am, and that's good enough for me. 

Cutting toxic people out of my life 

It is amazing how many ‘friends’ disappeared when I mentioned  my breakdown. It is uncanny how many colleagues when I came back to work afterwards started to ostracised and undermine me as if I had suddenly become incompetent and invisible simply because I had to take sick leave for mental health issues. But maybe it should not have surprised me. Growing up my mental health struggles were ignored and instead I was shouted at for being quiet, odd and even physically ‘disciplined’. I was bullied and assaulted at school for being and looking different. I just retreated into myself and became numb, preferring to live into my own imaginary world. As an adult, I was quite naive and vulnerable and put my trust in the wrong people. I thought  a ‘freak’ like me did not deserve any better anyway. Therapy sessions (thank you NHS!) helped me see to finally see those patterns and how I was endlessly repeating the toxic, abusive relationships that I had been exposed to from childhood. After my breakdown I distanced myself from toxic people, so called friends and relatives. I worked hard to try to understand what healthy boundaries are and develop more self-respect. I was done with being a people pleaser who allowed people to guilt trip me and manipulate me. I want to be around people I can learn from, who have similar values and who can bring positive elements to my life. 

Don't be afraid to as for help

I would not be here today if I had not, in a last attempt to get myself out of the deep, dark hole I in, emailed my surgery to tell them I was afraid I was going to hurt myself or do something even more stupid and final. The GP saw me the following day and immediately put me on anti-depressants and referred me to the Mental Health Crisis Team who took over within a couple of days and saw me everyday for a period of two weeks. It was not easy to tell all these strangers how I really felt and to go through everything that had happened to me but this felt like the first and necessary step to getting better. I also confided in one of my friends who I knew had had life long mental health issues on and off. After that, she decided to contact me every day to make sure that I was OK and sent me motivational messages and email throughout the day to cheer me up. Since then I have become much more open about my mental health struggles. If people choose to judge me for it or look down on me, well there are not the type of people I want in my life anyway. 

Nature and animals

Adopting a rescue cat was a really positive factor in my recovery. It helped give me a reason to 
get up every day and care for another living creature. I did make sure though that I was already in a better place physicality and had completed the majority of my house repairs and could afford pet insurance before bringing a fluffy little pet into my life. I wanted to be fully able to take care of her and to have  a safe home environment to offer her. Being close to nature is also something that is now essential to my well being. For me it means sitting on the beach, walking on the seafront and spending a lot of time in my garden making it a haven for wildlife. 

The books I have found useful

I am an avid reader and I have found the below lifestyle books incredibly helpful over the years: 

• The body keeps the score by Bessel van der Kolk
• The artist way by Julia Cameron 
• Feel the fear and do it anyway, Susan Jeffers
• Be a free range human, Marianne Cantwell.

Staying well for me is a daily, constant battle and it takes a lot of time and work but I now understand that there is nothing wrong with prioritising my mental and physical health so I can build a better life for myself.